Ambivalence.

Forgive me if I post too often, or if I will be posting very often in several days. I'm currently in a wobbly state of mind. Kind of like there's too much cs fluid in my cranium so my brain floats here and there and everywhere a lot lately (pardon me dude that statement lacked scientific basis-just a dumb saying). There's just too many things I have to say without anyone quite willing to hear. There are piles and arrays of thoughts and feelings in my head and I'm running out of idea to express them conveniently.

When I put it up in a crowded place, some cynical people will say "so what?" and I'll start feeling guilty for messing up their timeline. When I put it up in a not so crowded place, other sarcastic people will think I'm shouting for attention and start a confrontation. I finally hope this silent place is the safest hiding place, nobody cares to read, nobody cares to even peek. [Then who in the world am I writing this to? Aliens, probably ehh :/]

Here's a little soundtrack for tonight's post, also with a video link). This is my song of the week, and this one is my favorite version of the song.

~Vultures~

The John Mayer* Trio

Some of us, we're hardly ever here

The rest of us, we're born to disappear

How do I stop myself from being just a number

How will I hold my head to keep from going under

Down to the wire

I wanted water but I'll walk to the fire

If this is what it takes to take me even higher

Then I'll come through like I do when the world keeps testing me,

testing me

testing me.

Hope you enjoyed. 
*He's one awesome singer, songwriter (or poet?), and guitar player. And about the trio, they're tremendous!

Day 15.

Two weeks from the start of this semester. Contrary to my other colleagues who feels that this semester tends to be low paced and doesn't need as much struggle, I somehow think that this semester is a really tough one.

Last semester we had anatomy on Tuesdays and Thursdays, Histology on Weds and Fridays, so at least I get a day's rest for each subject. This semester? Biochem and Physiology everyday. Each subject gets a 2 hour non-stop lecture. Which means sitting down for a total of 4 hours.

Oh and what about the practicums? Well I have to admit that Anatomy practicums were absolutely torturing. Approximately three hours spent in a highly bio-hazardous environment with formalin vapor and cadavers which requires a highly protective (and definitely uncomfortable) attire: surgical masks and gloves. Histology was a bit cozier. Even though we had to roam around this crowded room in order to observe more slides. Both are totally leg-cramping lol. But at the very least they let you study the theory as well while doing the practicums. You don't work really much,  and you don't need to make reports, like this semester's practicums.

Surely, I'm not trying to complain. What kind of person complains after having the chances to study at an honored place. I'm only trying to draw a bold red line around this statement: THIS IS NOT A LAZY SEMESTER. IT'S TOUGH. IT'S HARD. BEWARE. It's my perception, and I don't want to get mingled up with other people's tendency to slow their pace and take a good bunch of rest.

I really need dope to stay up late and study, and honestly, to stay awake in classes.

Welcome back to med school

This might not have been a very fine holiday, realizing that it went totally biased from my earlier plans (not that my plans were anywhere near awesome either), but this doesn't even count as one I'd ever regret. It was tiring, exhausting, intriguing, heartbreaking, painstaking, leg-cramping, yet highly energetic, enthusiastic, awsomely productive and historically inspiring.

School starts in less than a week, and I've already shifted my mindset, preparing it for more and more studying for the following term. And the following term. And the following term. As I realize, life will never be any easier from now on. Welcome back to med school, sweetheart.

What do we have on the menu for the third semester?
Biochemistry
Physiology
GELS module
Biological Systems module
Medical Skills (OSCE)

Prepared yet?

Not at all. Didn't touch any book, didn't borrow any dictates, haven't bought any textbooks. Relying on my leftover knowledge from high school, which is just crumbs and crap. I'm actually pretty enthusiasted with the upcoming semester. Biochemistry has always been a fascination ever since I was in high school. I know it would be a bit (or lot?) more complicated now that I'm in med school. But seriously it wouldn't matter, I'm so ready, I know the consequences, this wasn't anywhere close to my childhood dreams, I wen't here by a fatal accident but I grew up and I'm up to face the hardships of life, and get out alive. I don't want to be weak, even if I went to war without high-end weaponry. 

I've learned not to ever wait and hope for a holiday. I redefined the word holiday, at least in my little dictionary of life. What usually happens when I'm in the middle of a frustrating semester with loads and loads of work and exam materials to gobble up, is that I wish it gets over as soon as possible. I perceive that I'm in the middle of a war and I may not have any fun in whatever forms. I figure out that this kind of thinking actually sums up the frustration, why don't I make fun out of the entire process.

An acquaintance said that there's no way studying could be fun if you only define it as building up stacks of information in your brain, only using it as an ammunition to shoot exam questions. So I thought I should define studying like building a castle of knowledge that hopefully lasts eternally. I should appreciate every process, every brick and wall and tower and ornament I've added to the castle, pretty much like making a house for a sim, hopefully it would be a bit more exciting. 

Any other wishes for the new semester?

I hope i can cease procrastinating;)

Let's just pray for the best. And fight the hell out for the rest.
Cheers.

The Equestrian

We spent roughly eight hours a day, five days a week, four weeks a month, twelve months a year for three years, three whole years of high school, breathing in the same room, working in gazillions of projects together. But somehow I only started to know him, just today.

He is bright. He has always been bright. His brain works at the speed of  light. He knows his maths and physics, and does his homework. He reads the papers and watches the news. He knows the world. He knows politics, economics, history, plus all their trivial facts. He knows bureaucracy. He's a teenager with knowledge, skills and experience like your father's. He drives like a racer. His passion is cars and dreams to devour them for a living, yet he ends up in medical school: Oh, we're gonna be spending another 4.5 years under the same roof.

It's been a year since we study together in the small 30-pupil sized classroom (compared to the current classroom which is 5 to 10 times larger). Nowadays we hardly talk, we barely meet. But just some time ago, he asked me to work with him. For a personal reason, I agreed to join his project, but I anticipated the horrors of working with him.

He used to be the most stubborn person who never failed to start an altercation with me. I always see him as an aggressive young man wearing a pair of twinkly round puppy eyes. He's thoughtful yet doubtful. Confident yet never willing to take the lead. Hardly makes decisions but argues over the ones I make. Enthusiastic but hardly ever committed.  I value him so much as a student, as a colleague, I trust him, I always put my hopes on his broad shoulders, but what's very likely to occur is he leaves them behind. His mind was too hard for me to read. Too hard to leave settled. Whatever I say, whatever I do is like setting a fire in an Australian bush in the midst of December. His persona leaves me questioning, sometimes crying over his painstaking choices of words, or his irritating intonation. Yes, of course The Equestrian has made me drop my tears. Several times.

I don't hate him. He's a good friend. Sometimes. Well yes he's irritating, he hurts me to the center of my heart. It's not an issue though. I just know that we don't go well together. Like an enzyme with the wrong substrate. It doesn't mean we're on war. We're at peace. I just know that it'd be better to stay away from him to avoid the quarrel.

That was a long time ago though. 

The Equestrian I perceive now, is somewhat different. He's not as aggressive as before.

His puppy eyes that I thought was fake, are actually true. We engaged in a small talk where he subtly but honestly stated his introversion. I was electrified. I thought he mislabeled himself. But then I realized that these years, I never really knew him to the core.

A Letter to Heaven

The world ages, our life ages, we age. 

Unpredictable possibilities happen, unthinkable incidents occur, unbelievable coincidences turn up like magic. Though as a matter of fact, it all has been planned: careful, detailed, and comprehensive, by The One and Only. 

These may raise us up to the zenith of sweet glory, or throw us down to the nadir of bitter sorrow. Leave us in a seemingly unstoppable laughter, or never ending days of mourning. When it happens, it just happens. When we set our mind to a quest for reasons, we may never find out why. 

Sometimes we wish to rewind our clock, flip back the pages of the calendar sitting on our desk, wishing we could travel back in time, to do the good deeds we never did, to erase the mistakes we ever made. We keep on wishing, even though we're highly alert that the past is unalterable. Even though we realize that the wheel of life only spins forward, towards the future.

Yet, the future is hidden behind a veil, somewhat like a one-way mirror, like that of an interrogation room we see in an American cop movie, nobody inside sees through. We seem like we know what we're facing, truth is, we never know what's behind.

The past is unalterable, the future is unpredictable. We only live in the present, to make the very best use of it, with lessons learned from the past, and enthusiasm to prepare for the future.

My dearest friend, we all know, you will never read this, and we will never meet again, yet I want to thank you so much for all the lessons you've once shared, and deliver my greatest apology, for never stopping by your side, not even to say hello and put a smile on your face. For now, the only word left is Goodbye.

Selamat Hari Raya Idul Fitri 1434 Hijriyah

Mohon Maaf Lahir dan Batin

 :)

What does it feel like to be judged solely on your physical appearance?

#MLKJr